What a crappy way to start the day. I mean, I'm sorta used to it, but whatever. I woke up late, so I didn't have time to put on my makeup, so I was doing it at the vanity in the back corner of my treatment room during out morning meeting, and all the other nurses were talking casually about this patient that had died, and come to find out, he was one of my special guys! That's what happens when I only get to work one day a week! And another one of my guys is upstairs with fungal pneumonia in both lungs. AND, to make it even worse, this poor guy who is a regular, but not someone that I know very well, came in for bloodwork and then went down for his appt with his oncologist-who sucks, I can't STAND that one!- and she told him that he's too far gone, she's stopping treatment. So this guy gets this horrible news, and then has to come back up for his final dressing change and stuff with me, a nurse who literally just met him today. How awful! Wouldn't you want to be with someone you know well, you know? Ugh, that's the worst. I feel just awful!
Ya'll, I am not adjusting well AT ALL to staying at home with my babies. Ava and I just seem to butt heads at every single turn. Sometimes, I literally have to remind myself that she is just a child and that she is not trying to destroy my life. What kind of mother thinks these things about her little baby daughter? Me! She's just so sassy, and she's SO MEAN to poor Scott, she's always spanking him like crazy. Now, we DO spank, but not like that! I don't know what she's modeling. And she gets so frustrated, so angry! She's taken to hitting herself (sometimes in the face!) when she's upset! And yesterday, she must have asked me twenty times why I'm so mean. I'm not! I am though! I'm a yeller, which just breaks my heart, because I swore up and down that I would NEVER be a yeller. I just get so frustrated! And I've read a few gospel based parenting books, and they're really nice and good and have a few good ideas, but they just tell you how important discipline is. They don't say HOW to discipline! What I'm doing, ya'll, IS NOT WORKING! She doesn't listen, she doesn't obey....she doesn't respect. I'm crying just typing this out. How did this happen?!?! I was supposed to be a good mother! I just don't know how to communicate to her how important it is that she listen and obey us. Oh goodness, now that I've put this all down on paper I feel even worse. Pray for me.
Scott is pretty naughty too, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much. Isn't that awful? He doesn't deliberately disobey me, he just seems...rambunctious. Does that make sense? He's super interested in potty training right now, so on days when Ava is at school and we have nothing but time to waste, he runs around in his Thomas undies (Nick reminds me often that when boys wear them, apparently they are not called 'panties'. Who knew?) and goes back to pee about every ten minutes. Ya'll, he drinks a LOT of water! I don't know what we're going to do when we're actually potty training seriously and he wears his undies out in public. We won't be able to drive anywhere more than ten minutes away!!! We reward him with Reese's Pieces each time he goes, and I have a feeling that that's having an impact on my weight watching escapade. One or two is fine, one or two every ten minutes...that's adding up. Gotta stop rewarding myself!!!
And Warren. Poor baby Warren. At his two month check, the NP mentioned that his muscle tone is good-not-great and suggested that I get him some time to lay on his back/belly on the floor, just to get him out of the swing/bouncy/carseat rut. Easier said than done lady! I have to sit with him and I can't leave the room for ONE SECOND because his brother and sister will love him to death- literally! So, the housework is going to be sliding a little more. What comes below 'bare minimum'? I guess 'nothing'. I can just see us, no clean clean clothes, beds stripped naked, toys three feet deep thruout the living and dining rooms, dishes stacked in the sink, trash overflowing... while we all oohh and ahhh over Warren under his jungle gym. I suppose that's sort of how it should be anyway, just not to that extreme. Maybe Ava would be calmer if I spent more time with her, instead of picking up? I dunno. We can't live in filth!
I'm at a loss. I feel like we had too many too soon (duh!) but there's nothing I can do about that now! And I still want another one, and I don't want to wait more than two years, because I don't want him to be all alone out there by himself! So. Is this my life for the next twenty years? Diapers, messes, dishes, laundry, yelling, crying kids? And what do I do when Nick goes back out to sea? Oh Lord, give me strength. I need it like only You would believe!