Friday, September 11, 2009

Freak

I feel like maybe if I say it out loud (or rather, write it out loud) it won't make me crazy anymore. Make sense? Okay, so I have three kids, babies really, even though Ava is almost FOUR years old, and when I was pregnant with Ava, I was a teeny tiny bit worried that something would happen, but not that worried. And once I could feel her move, forget it, I barely ever worried at all. Hence the admission to the hospital at thirty one weeks when I didn't realize that I was in preterm labor :)

I worried a little after she was born, but again, not too much. Not enough to stop me from sleeping her on her back, and letting her roll off a bench in a dressing room at the Limited while I tried on pants. One of my old HNs of 4F had a baby that was about seven months older and the baby died at a year old from SIDS! At a year! Now THAT scared me for a few weeks, but by then Ava was rolling over on her own, even if I did sleep her on her back. So that worry was short lived.

Enter Scott. Obviously, never worried about that kid a single day of his life. Hence the tumble down the concrete steps. Hence the goose egg on his forehead when he hit the radiator. Hence two and a half years of rough and tumble bumps, bruises, and scrapes. And he's fine.

Point is, I just am not one of those worrisome moms. I worry about a lot of weird things, but my children's safety just hasn't been one of them.

Until Warren. Ever since I tripped and fell when he was like, two weeks old, I can't stop worrying about him! My friend Melissa was holding him (THANK GOD!!! And thank you, Mel) but the way I tripped-over a hose- and went down-flat on my face...if I had been holding him, he would have died. I just know it. I didn't even break my fall, I literally hit the pavement with my face. What if he'd been in my arms?

So ever since then, I'm obsessed, literally obsessed, with him dying. Isn't that horrible? I have these visions of dropping him, and he pops open like a watermelon! It's so terrifying! Or I'll have a mini panic attack in the car because I think I left him somewhere! But the absolute worst was the other day: I went in the library to grab these cute new books (Emily Griffin, they're not my usual fare, but they're pretty good) and I left my phone in the car so I wouldn't be tempted to text in there.

Well, bu this time, Warren had been napping for ninety minutes (huge deal in the Engelbrecht house) and while I was checking my books out, I completely freaked out! I became CONVINCED that Nick had finally gone up to check on him and he was dead. So Nick tries to call me and I don't have my phone! So then I'm thinking he called an ambulance and they're all in a hospital, and I don't even know where the hospital is up here! It was HORRIFYING!

Of course, I called Nick and everything was fine. As it always is. So why do I freak out about this ALL THE TIME? I'm not depressed, seriously. I'm a little lonely up here, but I've been having this freaking-out problem since before we moved up here. So it's honestly not post partum depression. And it's JUST Warren! Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?

2 comments:

  1. You're NOT a freak! I think irrational thoughts all the time...thought it was just me :) We miss y'all so much. Owen just got a new big boy bike and we were watching him ride it while Rowen rode his "baby bike" and we were talking about how much we miss Y'ALL! Hey, what Beth Moore book is your fav? I really want to start reading something refreshing...

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  2. you know how sometimes people leave their drink on top of the car? or leftovers from a restaurant in the box on top of the car? when i'm in the car and don't hear brody talking, i always freak out and make sure i didn't leave him somewhere!

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