Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Ugh. Have I Mentioned That Once or Twice Yet?

If you're wondering why I haven't blogged in a while, it's because I've sank into a Bad Mood that I just can't shake and I spend most of my time plotting my return to the states. Except I want my old house in Virginia, the house that I loved and took care of and remodeled (well, I supervised) and poured my heart and soul into. And I want my old jobs, both of them, 4J AND the AIC job. And I want Nick back on the Scranton, where life didn't suck. And I want all three of my kids to go to Fern's, where she can love on them and cuddle them all day long.

So it takes a lot of planning, this trip back in time that I'm going on.

I don't know why I'm so depressed and lonely and bored, and most of all ANGRY. I have an ENTIRE house that needs to be picked up- I shouldn't be bored. One of my very best friends lives five minutes away- I shouldn't be lonely. But this depression and anger...they're sort of debilitating. I KNOW that I need to get up, get something accomplished, get some purpose in my life. But instead, I just lay on the couch while havoc is wrecked around me. Seriously, it's that bad. I feel like I'm in a commercial for those depression meds or something!!!

So, the messy house bums me out, which makes me lay around doing nothing, which makes the house messier, which makes me feel even sadder. More sad? Hmm.

And the kids make me angry just by being themselves, and as soon as they sense this weakness in me, they act like a bunch of toddlers and preschoolers (weird) and so I yell and scream and rant and rave, which makes me even more angry (at myself) and more depressed (at the entire situation.)

So, to say the very least, things ain't pretty at Casa de Engelbrecht ya'll. Ain't pretty at all.

On the surface, it would seem to be, right? Here's me and Nick, all jazzed up for the sub ball.

Brandi babysat, which is good, since I am apparently the only person on the entire island who is on a budget and not prepared to shell out uber bucks for babysitters every four days. In Virginia, even when I only had my little Baby Ava, I made it a point to NOT go to functions that were "no kids." That's just silly! Why have a function where you can't bring more than HALF of your family? I guess I'll have to cave in every now and then, but trust me, it will NOT be a common occurrence. As much as these little animals grate on my last nerve, they're part of the package. Team Engelbrecht.

And just look at these little guys. Tuesday was the worst day so far, which is sort of nice, because things have at least been better than THAT. This picture below was taken at about ten. Nick lets me sleep till seven, so I'd only been up for three hours, and those kids had like, rubbed my raw nerves with sandpaper. Every single thing they did and said was just KILLING me! So finally, Ava went to Julia's (oh dear Lord, You knew what You were doing when you made this house call to me- if it weren't for Julia, I would already have flown home to live in Biloxi) and I was enjoying my book on the couch while Warren napped and Scott played with his tools.

Or so I thought. He sneakily went into the fridge, got the fixins for a glass of chocolate milk, and then, I guess, when he couldn't get the lid off his cup, he went back in and got the next best thing-ice cube trays? Huh? Oh well.

It was so cute, I just ran in to get my camera, took a few (dozen) shots, and then put the milk away.

And just because these pictures below came off the camera while I was getting the rest ready for the post, here's Lee on Sunday, right after we unpacked our brand... new Band Hero game! Grandpa Kenny got us a Wii forever ago, and we've been talking about Band Hero and Rock Band forever, so we finally got it. So fun. And I have TONS of video of my kids doing Taylor Swift, I just gotta figure out how to get it off the video camera.

Anyway, here's Lee, the drummer. You know, cause all drummers need a sturdy pair of goggles.

As do guitarists.

I took these three pictures below to remind myself that Warren does not, in fact, cry for twenty four hours every day. Almost, but not quite. I'm giving him until he cuts these last few teeth, and if the crying continues, we're going to a doctor. And if they won't help me, we're going to the ER every day until someone takes me seriously. I seriously CANNOT continue to live with him crying so much. It's not normal, there HAS to be something wrong. He's too old to just cry for hours on end like that!

And then there's this little chica. Being older, and more verbal (read:sassy, disrespectful, and talk-back-ish) she often bears the brunt of my rage and depression. I'm going to have to finally break down and make one of those behavior charts, because spanking her and sending her to time outs just aren't cutting it any more. But, that would entail getting off the couch, so we'll see how that goes. Nick has talked her into giving up her pacifier when she starts swim lessons on May 11th and then (as soon as I figure out a way to deprive her of her three cups of water every night after dinner, without feeling like I'm torturing her- I mean, how cruel is that?) we're gonna work on no more diapers to bed. Of course, I'd rather she still slept in a crib and snuggled with me all day...but I digress.

Here she is, getting ready to go play in the hundred degree heat. Which, by the way, the heat is NOT helping my foul mood! She's wearing her Princess Belle skirt, her cowgirl costume boots, her shirt that she wore to school (leaving this on means she hasn't technically 'changed clothes' which she isn't allowed to do without express verbal permission) and either her Ariel or Singapore hat. Backwards. Oh my GOSH I could just eat her up!

All right. So how long do I wait to 'adjust' to my new life before I actually act like I AM in commercial and try to get some help? I can't spend the next three years on the couch. I'll get bedsores. And my husband will run screaming for the hills, my children in tow.


  1. hey, I was stopping by to say thanks for the potty training advice, and I just read through this blog post. I am not sure if you really were hoping for a response to the depression question, but I thought I would mention that I am currently on zoloft, and it helps me SO MUCH. I have just realized that I am a much better wife and mom on the medication. heart goes out to you b/c I can relate to all of the things you are feeling, and I am not living outside of the states. But, seriously, thanks for the potty training advice:)

  2. Bless your heart!! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this, but relived too. I have some of those same feelings... A LOT... then, I feel tremendous guilt after the kids go to bed and think about how they deserve better and how I really don't have much to feel bad about considering my healthy family and freedom, etc. Then I lay awake and feel worse combining all of these issues and it only makes things so much WORSE. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. And I'm proud of you for being brave enough to admit it all. Please let me know if you end up going on meds and how they work out for you. I've considered it before, but had a doc tell me to try and exercise and change my diet first. Which I definitely should do, but thought the meds might help get me there with that stuff as well. Oh, my.
    Anyway.... I will pray for you. Maybe you could do the same for me and we'll get all this crap figured out. :-)
    Your kiddos sure are cuties. As far as your sweet lil' boy crying all the time... I know this may be TMI but how are his diapers?? A friend of mine had an extremely fussy child who was checked for ears and everything else and it turned out his typical slightly runny diapers were a sign of his allergies to wheat. Once they removed wheat from his diet he was fine. Of course that's near impossible to do since wheat is in EVERYTHING, but it did make a huge change in his behavior and the way his little body was feeling, since he was too young to express it.
    Congratulations, this is officially the longest comment I've left EVER! I know you are so excited. :-) I really hope things get better for you. Thanks again for sharing, so I know I'm not all alone! I'm really glad we've "met." :-)

  3. I'm sorry, Jen! I can't imagine being in your spot, but I can tell you I've had some eerily similar feelings before. I really appreciate you being so honest. I'm praying for you!

  4. It's ok Jenn! You can do this. You have done it before I assume, at other Navy bases. I know you can make it. The alternative would be living without your husband for most of the 3 years. Not the greatest idea, I think. I remember feeling like you when we were in Sicily. I was turning 30 in the middle of all that and it didn't help. I had made lots of friends in the Rec center before we moved into our houses and it helped so much to have that companionship every day. Your mom was a big help to me as were other moms with small kids. I am not a big fan of medication because of all the side effects they can cause but maybe you could seek out the chaplain or join a women's group where they provide babysitting. Also, you could get together with other moms and kids at each other's houses once a week. I know it's hard but you can do this. Let me know how you do!

  5. Hey lady!

    Have kids as close together as ours are is HARD!!! It's isolating even when you are in the states, especially when you move often (nine addresses in 12 years over here, please for the love of God, don't ask me for my zip code.)

    I really think you should consider meds. I've taken them periodically for post partum (which sounds exactly like what you described) and the difference they made in ME, made all the difference in the world to my family!

    Hugs for you! Hit me up on FB if I can do anything for you!