A lifetime ago, I was eating lunch with this guy who stopped and stared at me and said "You must be the absolute most irrational person I've ever met in my entire life." Now, I was a little offended. This guy was sort of like a pseudo boss while I was stashed at Auburn, right after I graduated, before I transferred to Portsmouth and started working for real, and I wanted him to think I was all professional and mature and sophisticated. But honestly, as soon as he said it, I was thinking ahh, buddy, you don't know the half of it. My life is pretty much run by irrational fears. So, instead of moaning about my kids for yet another blog post, I thought I'd share a few. Maybe, if I see them all written out, I can ditch a few. You think?
I hate to fly because I'm afraid that the pilot is going to go to high, and we'll get sucked out of the earth's atmosphere and into space.
I'm also afraid that while on a plane, I'll go into a psychotic break and wrench open the emergency exit door and jump out. I'd probably be alive the whole way down, until I splattered like a watermelon on the ground.
In the splattering-like-a-watermelon vein, I used to be TERRIFIED that, while walking around the Macarthur Center mall in Norfolk and carrying one of my kids, I'd trip and fall and somehow manage to plunge said kid over the railing, where he or she would plunge three floors to his or her watermelon-splattered death.
I'm afraid that my kneecaps will somehow become dislodged from their little joints and fall off. I cannot have ANYONE touching my knees, even the baby, for fear that the slightest touch will send the kneecap flying off.
I can't go scuba diving because I'm afraid of getting crushed under all that water. This is what that guy at lunch that day was laughing at me about. BUT, in my defense, water is REALLY heavy. I mean, you've carried a gallon of milk, that's pretty heavy right? The ocean is like a hundred bajillion gallons. That's heavy. NO THANKYOU.
I have to take a valium before I got visit Nick on the boat, because I'm convinced that there will be some sort of emergency and the crew will slam the hatches shut before I can run away and they'll dive the boat right away and then I'll be trapped in a tin coffin under all those bajillion gallons of water.
When I was younger, I was afraid that if I laid on my side, I'd break my ribs. I've pretty much gotten over that one, but every now and then I get a little squirmish if I'm on my side on a hard surface, like the living room floor.
I can't pee in a dark bathroom because I'm afraid of snakes in the toilet. And honestly, now that I'm in Guam and surrounded by lizards, I no longer consider this one 'irrational.'
I'm terrified of electricity. I don't understand it, and every time I plug in ANYTHING at all, my heart races for a few seconds because I know, without a doubt, that this is the end, I'm going to be electrocuted to death. It's slightly less intense when I flip a light switch. This keeps me on edge for most of the day.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is just the tip of the iceberg.
So tell me. I already know that most people aren't there aren't like me, at least not too too much. But come on, I can't be the only one who's afraid of stupid things. Right?