Ava wanted to go to school today. Broke my heart. I never, not in a million years, thought I would type those words. I thought I wanted them all gone, all day, every day. They normally only go to school on Mon Wed Fri, but I have to pay for every day. Sorta sucks, but that's the way all the preschools are here. Anyway, occasionally she asks if she can go on a Tues or Thurs. They had to go on Tues this week because I had an appt, so now she's going to have gone every single day. When she asked, I said "Sure, if you want, but don't you wanna stay home and play with Mama and Scott?" She tilted her head to the side and scrunched up her lips.
"Can we go somewhere? Like to the store, or to a party?" she asked.
"Well, ah, not really," I stammered. I've spent more than Nick's entire paycheck since he left. I've been a shopping FIEND. "But we can play here!"
"No, I wanna go to school."
"Are you sure? We could have fun here..."
"Oh, I have way more fun at school."
So off we went. Scott isn't having any of it, so at least I've still got him. He doesn't get upset on Mon Wed Fri when we do go, but he is ADAMANT on Tues and Thurs when I ask him if he wants to go, he DOES NOT. So he's laying under the table with his tools, fixing things. Ahh, Scott.
So I dreamed all night last night about moving into base housing, and now that's all I can think about. I'm completely torn, I can't decide if I want to move or not! The point is actually moot, because they still don't have a house for us, but since I like to worry, and there's nothing else going on right now, this is what I'm worrying about. Should I stay or should I go?
The houses are nice, and big, but they're not as big as this. We'd gain a fourth bedroom, but we'd lose our cavernous playroom. We'd gain central air conditioning (that we DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR) but I'd lose my beloved gas stove. I know that this sounds stupid, but ya'll have no idea how much I HATE electric stoves. And it's not even an old electric coil burner, it's one of those flat top things. I double hate those things. So even though that one seems like a no brainer- free air vs a gas stove- it's not. I really really like gas. We'd gain a two car garage, but we'd lose our huge, shaded backyard, fenced in backyard and storage shed. And with no downsides, we'd gain: an actual community, full of teenage babysitters and other wives and kids, nicely paved streets with sidewalks where I could go for a walk without fear of boonie dogs or roosters or child thieves after my iPod.
Biggest downside? We'd have to move ourselves. Totally. Box it all up, and drag it over, then unpack it all again. All by ourselves.
What to do? What to do? It seems like I should want to move on base. It just seems the most logical. But I just can't help thinking about how I send those kids out back all the time, alone, knowing that they're safe in the fence. And we'd be screwing our landlord over too- she put in an alarm system free of charge and raised the rent to cover it over three years (we get a certain amt of money for rent, and if we don't spend it all, we don't get to keep the leftover, so it didn't matter to us one way or the other.) But I'm sure it matters to her.
So that's what's on my mind today. Doesn't that piss you off, that for someone out there, the toughest decision for her is whether to leave one great house for another? I know. It's ridiculous. And trust me, I'm very grateful for my charmed life. But we do pay a price for our easy life. Don't forget my husband is out there somewhere, under goodness knows how many pounds of water, in a windsheildless submarine with no phone or internet. Harder for him than me, yes, but I feel like I'm paying a bit of a price too.