If I continue at this rate, I will not have lost enough weight before we leave Hawaii to get my tummy tuck-boob job-butt lipo. Which I REALLY want to have done in Hawaii so I can recover in some hotel on the beach with a magnificent view I can look at through the windows in my vicodin induced daze. I don't want to have to recover on my mom's couch, looking on the window at the house across the street where the baby that I used to baby sit has grown up and gone to college. That might tempt me to take all the vicodin in the damn bottle and just get it over with.
Need a little more crazy? As ya'll know, Ava starts kindergarten on Sept 7th. And, as much as I need her out of the house at preschool on a regular basis, I do NOT want her going to kindergarten. I don't want her to be around other kids. I don't want anyone to laugh at her, or hurt her feelings. In fact, I don't even want anyone to talk to her, on the off chance that they say something I don't want her to know about, such as "Your mom is NOT the most amazing thing to ever happen" or "Dora is for babies, you should watch Skins on MTV like we do." Know what I mean?
I actually considered homeschooling, just so that she would never ever be exposed to any outside influence other than me, ever, for the rest of her entire life.
Then I realized that that probably wasn't very healthy, for me OR for her. So I finally consented and my mom dragged me to the school (AGAINST MY WILL) to register her. I still may keep her home. It's a minute by minute battle.
ANYWAY, we had a date yesterday and this horrible stupid awful song came on my ipod and I just cried and cried and cried. Which, by the way, Ava has recently decided is HILARIOUS, this uncontrollable sobbing that I do on a semi regular basis. We were watching Toy Story 3 and all the toys were about to go into the fire and I was crying, which wasn't funny to her because she was scared, but then at the end, when Andy's playing with Bonnie and all the toys? Forget it. I was a WRECK, and Ava was just LAUGHING away because she thinks it's so funny that I cry "when things aren't SAD!!!"
Yes, very funny Ava.
So. The song. Some of you know this about me, but those of you who just think I'm a big bully, sarcastic bitch who hates everyone and everything might be a little surprised: I am a Taylor Swift fanatic. Not a fan. A FANATIC. I know (AND LOVE!!!) every single word to every single song on every single album she's done. I. Just. Love. Her. I love that she makes it a point to be nice, and clean, and wholesome. I love that she KNOWS that five year old girls the world over worship her, and that she makes a conscious effort to DESERVE it. She wants their parents (ahem) to WANT to let them listen. She told Hoda on a today show thing that no, she's never drank, she's never smoked. She has NO plans to stumble out of a nightclub with no panties on, you know? And that means a lot to me.
And come on, she uses a LOT of drums in her songs. And you KNOW how much I love a good drum...uh, riff? Is that a word? I just love drums, what can I say.
ANYWAY, here's the lyrics. If you're not a fan, it won't matter, but if you ARE a fan, and you have kids, and you're wearing mascara, do NOT google this on youtube. Trust me, you do NOT want to hear it.
And she wrote this. Someone else didn't write it for her to sing, she actually WROTE these words. About her little brother, but still, it's pretty easy to follow along for when you have kids.