Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Weight Check Wednesday

Ugh. Down half a pound.  Which would be fine, except I tracked EVERY SINGLE BITE that I ate this week, PLUS I came in with about twelve of my weeklies left.  So what the heck? I was looking for a ten pound loss this week.  Not a half pound! A half pound is stupid.  A half pound sucks.  Today is the original day I thought Nick was coming home (ooohhhh, Jenn From Before The Worst Summer in the History of Ever, you were such a moron.  Why would you EVER trust that godforsaken boat?!?!) and if you'll remember, my EASILY ATTAINABLE mini goal was to be at 168 today, standing out at the pier with all the other fit, tanned, toned wives.  Ugh.  I'm five pounds away.  Which, for normal people is a few weeks, but apparently, for me to lose five pounds, that's going to take three months.

If I continue at this rate, I will not have lost enough weight before we leave Hawaii to get my tummy tuck-boob job-butt lipo. Which I REALLY want to have done in Hawaii so I can recover in some hotel on the beach with a magnificent view I can look at through the windows in my vicodin induced daze.  I don't want to have to recover on my mom's couch, looking on the window at the house across the street where the baby that I used to baby sit has grown up and gone to college.  That might tempt me to take all the vicodin in the damn bottle and just get it over with.


Need a little more crazy? As ya'll know, Ava starts kindergarten on Sept 7th.  And, as much as I need her out of the house at preschool on a regular basis, I do NOT want her going to kindergarten.  I don't want her to be around other kids.  I don't want anyone to laugh at her, or hurt her feelings.  In fact, I don't even want anyone to talk to her, on the off chance that they say something I don't want her to know about, such as "Your mom is NOT the most amazing thing to ever happen" or "Dora is for babies, you should watch Skins on MTV like we do." Know what I mean?

I actually considered homeschooling, just so that she would never ever be exposed to any outside influence other than me, ever, for the rest of her entire life.

Then I realized that that probably wasn't very healthy, for me OR for her.  So I finally consented and my mom dragged me to the school (AGAINST MY WILL) to register her.  I still may keep her home.  It's a minute by minute battle.

ANYWAY, we had a date yesterday and this horrible stupid awful song came on my ipod and I just cried and cried and cried.  Which, by the way, Ava has recently decided is HILARIOUS, this uncontrollable sobbing that I do on a semi regular basis.  We were watching Toy Story 3 and all the toys were about to go into the fire and I was crying, which wasn't funny to her because she was scared, but then at the end, when Andy's playing with Bonnie and all the toys? Forget it.  I was a WRECK, and Ava was just LAUGHING away because she thinks it's so funny that I cry "when things aren't SAD!!!"

Yes, very funny Ava.

So.  The song.  Some of you know this about me, but those of you who just think I'm a big bully, sarcastic bitch who hates everyone and everything might be a little surprised: I am a Taylor Swift fanatic.  Not a fan.  A FANATIC.  I know (AND LOVE!!!) every single word to every single song on every single album she's done.  I. Just. Love. Her.  I love that she makes it a point to be nice, and clean, and wholesome.  I love that she KNOWS that five year old girls the world over worship her, and that she makes a conscious effort to DESERVE it.  She wants their parents (ahem) to WANT to let them listen.  She told Hoda on a today show thing that no, she's never drank, she's never smoked.  She has NO plans to stumble out of a nightclub with  no panties on, you know?  And that means a lot to me.

And come on, she uses a LOT of drums in her songs.  And you KNOW how much I love a good drum...uh, riff? Is that a word? I just love drums, what can I say.

ANYWAY, here's the lyrics.  If you're not a fan, it won't matter, but if you ARE a fan, and you have kids, and you're wearing mascara, do NOT google this on youtube.  Trust me, you do NOT want to hear it.

And she wrote this.  Someone else didn't write it for her to sing, she actually WROTE these words.  About her little brother, but still, it's pretty easy to follow along for when you have kids.

Your little hands wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

So, it's official.  Ava will NOT be going to kindergarten.  No way jose.


  1. STOP IT!!! Also, I wonder if you have thyroid issues? I could not lose a pound and I was being CRAZY about keeping a food diary. A CRNP checked ALL my thyroid stuff and started me on a VITAMIN supplement and BAM. I lost weight. Also my scales are still broken so I have NO idea how much I actually weigh, which makes me feel pretty awesome about myself.

  2. Could barely finish reading the words to that song because I am CRYING! Big, fat tears just thinking about my baby boy....
    Keep your head up about the weight loss! Next week you'll make up for it and drop liek 5 pounds. Bodies are weird like that. You can do this!

  3. Taylor is awesome! Sorry that the weight loss journey isn't going to positively. I understand, I feel the same. Except thankfully I don't have to stand on the pier beside anyone anymore. I just have to live in a place I don't want to be. You know how that feels! For what its worth, both my boys (rising 3rd and kinder) went to SCA in Agat last year (that was also our church) and we couldn't have been happier with their growth in interpersonal relationships, education, and faith. My oldest was at DODEA for 1 1/2 years and I pulled him out because he got bullied there and they did nothing about it. The kinder/1st teacher there is absolutely amazing, one of the sweetest, kindest, most patient women I've ever met in my life.

  4. I didn't read the lyrics because I don't feel like crying and that song makes me cry every. single. time. I hear it. E actually bought me that CD for Christmas, so I opened it the day after Eli was born. GREAT TIMING, right?!

    Maybe I can come to Hawaii and get my boob lift while you get your surgery and we can lay in the beach hotel together? That sounds fun.

  5. Ha! Okay wait, why would you be on your mom's couch in our old neighborhood? Does that mean you are going to be in Biloxi for a little bit when you have to move again?! Oh, please say yes! I would make a special trip home from school just to see you guys! I love love love Taylor! They actually played that in one of our senior slideshows.. EVERYONE cried. Ava will be okay! She will find good friends to help put up with anything else she might encounter. :) ps- You are still hilarious. I hope my blogs (and columns once I'm older with my degree!) will one day be as funny as yours.