Thursday, March 29, 2012

Thursday's Thoughts

I started level three of the 30 Day Shred.  I did (my) day twenty today, even though I've been doing this since Sept.  Which is a little more than thirty days ago.  Anyway, it's sort of a catch 22 though because level three is SO HARD that I can't even come close to doing it properly as many times as she wants you to.  So it's not THAT hard for me, because I'm not doing it all.  Does that make sense? But I pretty much mastered level two, so that's not too hard either.  To tell the truth, I just want to hurry up and get through the next ten sessions (not days, because I don't plan on doing it ten days in a row.  Although I do like doing it five days a week.  But then I miss my beloved EFX machine...what's a girl to do?) so that I can hit the next video, Shred it with Weights.  Is with supposed to be capitalized in a title? I can't remember...

well really it's more like {one:B}
At Weight Watchers, in the beginning, they give you meal plans that you can use if you'd rather not have to make decisions for yourself.  Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and an afternoon snack, all written out and calculated for you.  I always read their ideas, but never follow them.  The food isn't my normal fare, and I don't eat like that.  I eat small breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, second lunch, then either snack, dinner, snack, or biggish dinner and high points snack.  

Wow.  I eat a lot.   Like, A LOT.  I've never written it out like that.  It's not that bad!!! Is it? I eat every two hours.  I'm awake from five till ten, that's what...seventeen hours? So that's eight feedings.  And I've only got seven up there!! So ha. And on big dinner days (tomorrow, for example) it's only six!!!

I feel like that used to be all the rage anyway, six small meals a day? Am I making this up?

ANYWAY, the point of this ENTIRE ramble is that it JUST dawned on me (after SEVEN YEARS on weight watchers!!!) to...drumroll please...MAKE MY OWN MEAL PLANS.  Duh!!! In the mornings, usually during small breakfast (an apple and a mini baby bell today, since I wasn't going to work out till nine) or second breakfast (usually a smoothie on days when I workout at five and eat eggs small breakfast) I take my little grid and fill in what I think I might be in the mood for that day.  Today was easy, the apple and cheese for first breakfast, egg and bacon for second (four slices of center cut bacon for two points ladies!! TWO POINTS!!!) turkey and lettuce and spray ranch for small lunch (it sounds gross, I know, but I like it.  I have a weird palate.  Basically, if it's got salt, I'm  in), smoothie in the afternoon (I had to start adding oil because I'm learning that if there's no fat, it won't fill me up) and then we're having spaghetti and meat sauce for dinner.  That leaves me three regular points, plus my exercise (I get four for doing the 30 Day Shred) PLUS my weeklies...that's a good day. Oh, minus two more for my morning and afternoon coffee.  But still!! Plenty of wiggle room, I like a plan, and I don't have to think about it.  I just eat when it says to eat.

Hopefully this will give me the kick I need so I don't have to try to find a meth dealer.  Meth...heads? Is that what they are? Meth heads are REALLY skinny.  I think it's like the world's best appetite suppressant.  But I really don't want to have those meth teeth.  Or, you know, be addicted to meth.

I was not as outraged by the Season Finale of The Killing as the other (few) die hard fans.  Maybe because I knew it wasn't going to get wrapped up, or maybe because I only have to wait four days, where they all had to wait ten months, who knows.  I didn't like the dive into Linden's personal life, I thought that was better left as a deep mystery on the sidelines.  And I found it a little hard to swallow that she would be on that plane headed to Sonoma after all that.

And I'm going on the record RIGHT NOW to say that Holder is NOT a bad guy.  Whatever he did, however wrong it seems, I feel completely confident that he did it for the right reasons.  I can't think of a single reason that would justify framing The Rocketeer, but I'm sure there is one.

I'm calling Gwen as the killer.  Or Jamie.  Or Drexler.  Or the current mayor.  Or a random guy we haven't met yet.  Or Sterling, her friend.  You heard it here first girls.  I called it.

I feel like a total failure as Warren's mother.  He gets up, gets dressed, eats, spends an hour in the car dropping off the big kids, comes home, plays alone outside, watches hours of tv, eats a bunch of junk food on the couch, gets back in the car for thirty minutes, falls asleep, plays for a little with Scott, which usually entails getting beat up once or twice, takes a nap, plays a little more, eats dinner, gets a bath, goes to bed.  No learning.  Nothing constructive.  No structure.

Right now he's seeing how many dominoes he can fit in his mouth while drooling all over an episode of Dora on the iPad.  

Four short months ago, he was learning how to write his name at Tender Shepherd.

I just don't have it in me to try to do anything.  I don't know how to teach him to write his name, and if I'm being brutally honest (and when am I not?) I have no desire.  Yes, I wish he had a better life.  But I don't want to be the one to have to give it to him.

Dora's over.  Should I turn on Umi Zoomi or find a craft project on Pinterest to fulfill his curiosity while teaching him a valuable life lesson?

I tricked him into going outside instead.  By bribing him with a movie in the car on the way to get Scott.

Win some, lose some.

Or just lose a lot.

He starts school in August.  Here's hoping I don't ruin him before that.

As per my standards, I have started a mental countdown until we leave.  It's not that I hate it here (although I'm not exactly loving it- the traffic and all the concrete really get to me, and the water is SO FUCKING COLD that I can't even hang out at the beach) it's just that I'm sort of addicted to counting down to The Next Big Thing.  In college, I counted down till I could get to nursing school and quit doing all that ROTC stuff that was so hard for me.  Counted down to my wedding.  Counted down to graduation, to the move to Virginia.  To Nick finally moving in with me.  To getting pregnant.  To Nick getting home from his first deployment, to Ava's delivery, to getting pregnant again.  To getting out of the Navy.  To moving to Connecticut.  To moving to Guam, to moving to Hawaii.  

And now, to moving somewhere else.  I like to move.  And it's so hard to feel emotionally settled, to get emotionally invested here, knowing that we'll be leaving in December.  Sure, we could get stuck here for shore duty, but I really hope not.  I just don't love it here.  

So here's the countdown again.  Nine months including December, eight if I can get out before the holidays.

Are you wondering why I haven't talked about Hunger Games? I don't know.  I loved it, I thought it was everything that it could be, considering.  But I left the theater feeling distinctly unfulfilled, and I can't figure out why.  Not being able to put my feelings into words unsettles me, so I haven't mentioned it.  I thought everyone did an AMAZING job, and it was so amazing, like I said...but still.  There's something missing.  And I don't know what, so I don't want to offer criticism without anything constructive, so I'm not saying anything.  I think maybe it was just one of those things, the movie could never live up to the book, but it honestly was AS good as it possibly could have been.

I need to re-read the books.  It HAS been eighteen months, maybe that will put this unsettled feeling to rest.  I sure hope so.  Actually, I think seeing it again will help a lot too.  There is a LOT to process with a story like this.

Above all else, watching it, reading it, hearing people talk about it...all this makes me physically ACHE to write.  

1 comment:

  1. 1. Whenever I have done WW, the only way that I did not go over points by noon was to pre-plan. And, I eat all day long too.

    2. I experience "cartoon guilt" everyday of my life. I am a big believer in no TV, yet my kids spend WAY too much time in front of cartoons. It's like my dark secret ;)