First, I lost 1.4. Except not really, because last week I gained 1.3 and was too ashamed to post about it. So really, I'm down .1 Gross!!! But whatever. I can only do what I can do, and I drank a lot this weekend, and had a lot of salty foods (read: a bag of tostitoes. more than once) and we made those cinnamon buns...
Whatever. I'll take point one, because I think I'm about to have some drug induced weight gain anyway.
After I posted my rambling cry-fest yesterday, my best friend Holly texted me and it was like someone threw cold water on my face. This wasn't normal. It just wasn't. I couldn't pretend anymore that it was okay to sit on the couch sobbing because the task of taking a pair of pants back to the NEX was so overwhelming. So I called the clinic, asked to be seen straight away, called my best friends here and begged them to take my kids, and went to get help.
Although it goes against everything I cherish and hold dear, I was honest with the psychologist. I told her about constantly believing my kids are dead, not just thinking maybe they died, but truly believing that they are actually dead. About not being able to catch my breath when I know I have to go to the office at Ava's school and talk to the secretary. About how my heart races every time the phone rings because WHAT IF IT'S A STRANGER AND I HAVE TO TALK TO HER!?!?! And about this unsettled feeling that I've had for years and just keeps getting worse and worse.
Because honestly, that's the worst part. The tiny panic attacks, they're frequent, but they're fleeting. I can just chose not to answer the phone. I can ask Laura to handle anything at the office. I can...well the only way to get rid of that feeling that my kids are dead is to see them. But still, I can do that. But that unsettled feeling, that constant nervousness....there's nothing I can do about that. You know?
The sweet psychologist was amazing, she let me cry and entertained Daisy while we talked, she was great. I'm not sure why I was hesitant to make this appointment in the first place!! Robin was texting me yesterday too, and she was pretty blunt. "Why don't you want to see someone who will help you?"
Well. It hurt my feelings, but it was true, and it helped. So thanks Robin. I don't know why I didn't want to see someone who would help me. Probably because I'm an idiot.
The shrink called my nurse practioner (I try to never complain about Navy medicine since I was a Navy nurse, and it really is great care, they're just healthcare providers like anyone else, but the fact that they leave every two or three years is sort of annoying. My ACTUAL primary care doc has been off island every time I've needed an appt for the kids, and now I found out he's PCSing. So I've never actually met my doc. But by luck of the draw, I've taken the kids to see this FNP twice, and I saw her last time, so we've kind of got a little bit of continuity going on) and asked if she was okay writing for meds without seeing me. My FNP agreed, and I left a few minutes later with a bottle of ultra low dose Zoloft and an appointment to meet with both of them in two weeks.
It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to do it, but I did take one last night.
I asked Angela if I looked less crazy this morning. She said TOTALLY, and I'll bet she's right :)
So that's my story. I just wanted to put it out there, in case anyone else reading this is on the fence about asking for help. Obviously, it's going to take a few weeks to see any results, but I must say, just walking through the sliding doors of the clinic made me feel better. Cheesey, yes. But true.
And here's the post I started for the April Photo Challenge!! I didn't get them all, but I got a lot more than I thought I would!!
Well I've been wanting to do this for MONTHS, so here goes! Fingers crossed...
4-1 My reflection.
4-2 All the COLOUR on my DMV test manuel. For those new to the blog, I am NOT sixteen. See above reflection.
4-3 These fantastic lamp shades I got in the MAIL today.
4-4 Someone who makes me happy- my birthday boy!
4-5 The TINY bit of weight I lost at WW this week. Grr.
4-6 My ever constant LUNCH date.
4-7 Scott's ever constant SHADOW
4-8 My brand new license INSIDE MY WALLET
4-9 Younger You- this is my mini me, watching my favorite movie (Goonies)
I probably had that same intelligent look on my face when I was six :)
4--10 This is the COLDest temp I've seen in the past twenty six months. Living on
tropical islands sure has its perks, you know?
4-12 You never saw someone want so badly to get up some STAIRS.
4-13 Today I FOUND Nemo tucked under Scott's bike.
4-14 and 4-15 skipped
4-16 The FLOWERs sweet Emely got me for my birthday, still going strong.
4-17 This messy closet is definitely SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE
4-18 I put up Daisy's HAIR for her very first ponytail!
4-20 I don't DRAW, but I pinned this.
4-21 an empty BOTTLE
4-23 I didn't eat any VEGETABLEs that day, but here's some apple dumplings.
4-24 Something I'm grateful for.
4-25 Not really LOOKING DOWN, but it's a cute pic, huh?
4-27 Somewhere I went: Over to Laura's, where Daisy June laid
down in her DOG BED. I just threw up.
4-28 One PM, at a Mexican Restaurant on the North Shore
4-29 A sort of CIRCLE, my daily poached egg.
4-30 Something that (doesn't) make me sad.
Keep on keeping on. (Name that quote)