Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Still Can't Ever Think of Post Titles

This is the first time I've approached a second birthday without being uncomfortably pregnant.
Well that's not entirely true.  When I approached Ava's second birthday, I had a six month old.  So there's that.

I go back and forth about it.  Sometimes, I'm super sad and lay my hand on my swollen lower belly (still eating too much and when I get constipated, it looks like I'm about five months pregnant) and ache for the feeling of creating a life that grows and moves and stretches and rolls within me.

But then I remember having to lay (lie?) back on a table in an ice cold room full of people not talking to me (except for anesthesia- man I loved every single CRNA from each and every one of my deliveries, but there's a special place in my heart for the dude from Guam, and I don't even remember his name!!) while they slice me open and pull that tiny life out.

And I remember that panicked feeling at two in the morning, the sobs and the shaking and screaming at Nick "what if I NEVER sleep again EVER?!?!?" In the best of times, I'm fairly melodramatic.  Add the hormonies and subtract my typical ten hours of sleep, and it's not pretty.

God bless Nick.

I also remember the uncomfortable feeling, the last three times I packed up to leave the hospital, that when I got home, my relationship with my older children was forever changed.  When I was pregnant with Scott, I worried that I wouldn't love him like I loved Ava, and while everyone else gave the standard "you'll see, it'll be fine" there was this one patient, a woman in her mid forties, who told me the truth.  She said I wouldn't love Scott the same way.  It was going to be different.  Nothing can compare with having your first child, there's nothing else like it in the entire world. And maybe that's not how it was for everyone else, and maybe I'm yet again admitting to something that makes me a less than perfect mother, but that's how it was for me.  I love Scott, and I love Warren, and even though Daisy just threw a cup of milk at me, I love her too.  I'd die for any of them.  But I love each of them differently, and I never had that same feeling that I had when they put Ava in my arms for the very first time.
Why, yes, I am on a secret spy mission.  Why do you ask?

Anyway.  It's weird, knowing my family is complete, not weird bad or weird good, just weird.  I think a sense of finality is always weird.  I don't regret having my tubes tied, I seriously don't know how I could handle a fifth c section.  But I sometimes regret the fantasy of having another baby.  If that makes any sense.  It seems like every other blogger and istagrammer out there just delivered a baby and I'm sitting here all fat and sweaty and with thin hair and flaky fingernails and no soft rolling in my belly.

Then again, I'm so excited about getting to explore Europe without being pregnant or dragging around an infant that I just might pee my pants.

I can't believe Thanksgiving is in two days.  A friend graciously invited us over, so I'm not doing anything this year.  I'm normally big on Thanksgiving, it's probably my favorite holiday (it's pretty much my favorite animal- name that movie) but for the second year in a row, my house is packed out and I'm in the middle of a cross-globe move.  So there's that.

Friday we're going to see Wicked.  I'm pretty stoked.  I've heard this company is pretty amazeballs.  And it's a night out, without my kids, so even if it's the most God-awful production in the history of ever, I'll still be a happy camper.  
The ONLY shot I got of Warren during this impromptu photoshoot yesterday.

And then, Christmas!! And who doesn't love Christmas? Even though I'm thirty and don't usually get surprise gifts for the holidays, I still spend a lot of time online picking out the things that would be the PERFECT surprises.  Nick and I usually just pick what we want and either very specifically tell the other exactly what we want, or we just throw in the towel and get it for ourselves.  Not very romantic or exciting, but we have four children.  Cut us some slack.

So Nick, if you're reading this, this is NOT a list of things I want.  I just want to put some ideas out there because that's what all the cool bloggers are doing and I'm nothing if not a bandwagon jumper onner.  Yes, that's a word.

-This is something I actually do want.  It's a tamron 28-70 f2.8 'walkaround' lens.  At first, I wanted the $1800 24-70, until I came to my senses and realized that I'm not a professional photographer and I'd be too scared to use an $1800 lens anyway, so this makes SOO much more sense.  It's expensive (I had a hard time spending the two for the 50mm) but I figure these next two years in Europe is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I need this lens take pics of my kids at Downton and the hills from the Sound of Music.

-I've also been eying this, but it's probably going to have to wait till my birthday, especially if I bite the bullet and shell out for the lens.

Do any of ya'll have one? Is it really that amazing? How do you pick between the models?

-Last year, I got all ten seasons of Friends.  Yes.  It really is as amazing as it sounds.  Although I have a confession: they were running all the Thanksgiving episodes on TBS the other day and I tivo'd them!!! What?!?! Even though alls I have to do is pull up the apple tv and click which ones I want, I went through the pain of setting the dvr and taping them.  I'm such a dork.

So this year, I wouldn't mind the entire Sex and the City series.  But not the movies.  Well, I already have the first movie (five bucks) but I hated the second movie so much that it makes me want to cry to even think about it.
I wasn't wild about this show when it was on (mainly because we never had HBO) and I was DEFINITELY more into Friends, but I really like it now.  No, I can't relate to any of those rich, thin, city women, but there's something about it now that speaks to me.

And just so you know, I hate Aidan and every time someone whines about how Carrie should have ended up with him, I want to punch her in the throat.  Aidan was NOT a good fit!!! They had NOTHING in common!! I'm all for the ole opposites attract (hello Nick and Jenn) but Aidan wanted her to change, and that's NOT okay.  He was just icky.  Even when he tried to act like he didn't care and he didn't want her to change, he was just trying to make her feel guilty.  Ew.  I can't stand him!!

Although I wouldn't say no if he made me a chair and gave it to me for free.  You know, if he was real and really made real furniture.  I'd take it.  For free.

-Since we're moving to England, I want a tea set.  A tea service, if you will.  Yes, I know this is for Asian tea, not English tea, but since I don't drink tea, I don't know if that's okay, so I'm just going to go for it.

-I also need another pair of go-to earrings. I really like these, and I hope my baby sister is reading this and just makes me a pair.

But really, if you're stumped and can't figure out what to send me, you can't go wrong with iTunes cards, amazon cards, target cards, or even just cash.  I'm not picky.


  1. I agree, your love for your first child is always different, not necessarily BETTER, but different. That is the child who made you a mother!
    (Also? Napoleon Dynamite)
    You are going to LOVE Europe, I'm so excited for you!

  2. I got a Clarisonic for Christmas a couple of years ago and LOVE IT. It's not the Clarisonic Mia. Is there another model? I think it's just the regular, standard Clarisonic. You will love it. Your face will feel so, so clean. It's like a mini-facial. Every. single. day.

  3. I love this post! I have the same feelings, occasionally, knowing I've had my last baby now. But -- it's a good thing to have a complete family, too.

    Happy travels this summer!!!

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