Thursday, September 19, 2013

September 19: Throwback Thursday and an Update on the Crazies

Well today when I dropped Warren off, he was SOBBING. I mean, the full on sobs that shake your body, can't catch your breath, snot running down your face- THOSE kinds of sobs.  Four is too young for full on, five days a week, all day school!!!

So to make myself feel better about abandoning him there, I pulled up a bunch of pics of tiny Baby Warren, whom I would NEVER had abandoned.  In fact, I don't know that he left my side until I went to the hospital to deliver Daisy.  Ugh.
Why, oh WHY, Past Jenn, did you gain seventy pounds!!! Don't you know that FIVE YEARS LATER, you will STILL be working that off?!?!






Wasn't he gorgeous? I know moms are always saying that, but seriously, look at him.  He's gorgeous!! Perfect features, nice shaped head, delicate hands, great lips...he's a good looking baby.  Admit it.


I love how completely uninterested Scott is.  Like, baby? Who cares.  Babies are SOOOO five minutes ago.




And then I couldn't resist this random picture on the disc.  It's Scott, with his Beloved- the vacuum cleaner.  He cuddled it, he fed it bottles, he rocked it, and he occasionally tried to put a diaper on it.  The vacuum.  Yes, you heard correctly.  #weirdo #alwayshasbeen


So, the Crazies.  The weather has soured. I was pleasently surprised to have AMAZING weather this summer- it was HOT, the sun was shining, birds were singing, life was grand. It really was perfect.  The sun was up at five and it didn't get dark until LITERALLY ten at night. It just just perfect.

But we're slowly tilting back to short, wet, cold days.  It truly sneaked up on me, little by little, until I realized that when I got up at five to work out, it was still dark. And day by day, it's staying dark a little bit longer through my workout, then through my shower...slowly creeping into breakfast. What if it starts to stay dark while we're getting in the car for drop off?

I can feel the panic slowly settling in. It's sneaky too, just like that bitch gravity, tilting us further and further from the precious, life giving fire of the sun. At first I couldn't put my finger on that that heavy weight right in the center of my chest.  Just a general feeling of unease, discontent. Restlessness. Afternoon exhaustion, despite a full night's sleep and a moderately healthy diet. Yesterday, I was babysitting for a friend, a little one year old, who was perfectly fine and healthy and completely safe, as I didn't let him out of my sight, but I knew, I just KNEW, he was going to die on my watch. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

BAM. It was like getting hit with a ton of bricks.  You've heard that cliche, yes? That's truly what it feels like.  BAM. Slammed in the face, a flashing marquee of awareness: YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL.  YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL.

And, while it sucks to be reminded that my brain is apparently not functioning, it's nice to realize that THAT'S why I feel this way.  There's a REASON. You'd think taking a tiny white crazy pill every single day for the last year would be reminder enough, but apparently it's not.

Anyway. I've been hesitant to pull out my Crazy Lamp, not sure why.  I sort of think maybe I felt like plugging it in would be like admitting defeat, like I was broadcasting (to my family? what?) that there was something wrong with me and I couldn't fix it.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  There IS something wrong with me, and I CAN help fix it.  Hello, McFly, think. So here I sit, folding laundry with my own tiny little sun shining on the side of my face.

It's gonna be long a winter.  But we've got this.

3 comments:

  1. you got this guam.
    that's what the lamp is for.

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  2. Jenn, I see from the pictures that you had a C-section. It is looking like I am going to have a C-section, which I have never had, and I know you will give it to me straight. What can I expect? I am really nervous about being awake in the room while they cut me open. Really nervous. And what is recovery like? Will you either blog about this, or have you already blogged about it somewhere? Or will you email me--lbrmoore@gmail.com?

    ReplyDelete
  3. okay, I just went back and read about your last two C-sections. Did you have 4? Sorry for all the questions!

    ReplyDelete