Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The One Where I Write and Write and Write About Not Being Able to Write

So.  I have writer's block.

Which is weird, since I'm not an actual writer.

Luckily, I was crying (yes, crying.  I cry a lot, and this is pretty traumatic to me. My boyfriend in college, before I got married, obviously, used to always get all uptight and be like WHY DO YOU CRY ALL THE TIME, but fuck off, crying makes me feel better!!) to Angela and she said something along the lines of "whatever, even if it's just a hobby, you can still be upset."
My love for Angela, expressed via memes.

And that made me feel all warm and fuzzy and glad to have her in my life. If you're reading this, I love you. I'd probably die without out. Or at least be really miserable.  I know it's annoying to have to hold my hand over the phone EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY, but I really appreciate it. So thanks for that.
What Angela texts to her other friends about me.

Incidentally, Angela might very well be the only person on the entire planet who I have let read the stuff I write.  So to hear HER, of all people, say that it's okay to be upset...helped.

And also, it's apparently not just writer's block.  It's a full fledged All Things Creative Block.  Not that I'm the most creative person in the world, but I like to take pictures and edit them and say snarky things to strangers on instagram and design cell phone case covers- and I can't do any of that.  I can't even really read, I've read the same four pages of The Night Circus about thirty times thus far.

I am reading fanfiction, which makes me feel so absolutely lame, the lamest lame in the entire world, but it's basically all I've got, so I'm diving in. Such a fucking nerd.

And I went to the movies last weekend, to see Star Trek, which was basically the biggest, longest, most refreshing breath of fresh air I've had in weeks, and it felt good.  Even though theaters here are weird, when you buy your ticket you have to pick your seats, and even though I always pick a seat away from wherever anyone else has picked a seat, other people buy tickets after me, and they can pick the seats right next to me.  And I can't move, because there's the chance that I'd move into a seat that someone paid for, and then that person will be confused and possibly angry and it would be a whole mess.

But anyway.  About twenty minutes into this movie, staring into Chris Pine's ice blue eyes and crying while his friend died, I was hit with the thought that THIS is why people go to then movies.  It was THAT good.  Excitement, action, gut wrenching drama, hard decisions, humour, this movie literally had it all.  And no sex, which I always like.  Not that I'm a prude, but I get extremely uncomfortable when directors throw sex scenes in where they don't belong, just to have one.  I mean, hello, hire a better writer.  Perhaps one without writer's block.

Anyway, since I'm not a nerd (okay, I'm a fucking nerd, but I never got into Star Trek because I have a thing against space) I couldn't quite follow some of the plots and jokes or what have you, but I googled it when I got home and I think I'm pretty solid.  And even with all that, it was still REALLY good, and I'm glad I went.  And I'm super glad that Nick encouraged me to go.

I fucking love that man.

So that's my story.  I can't write.  I pull up the story I'm working at in word and just stare at the screen, at that fucking blinking vertical line and I hate it. I HATE IT.  I hate that line.  Anyone know if I can change it? Let's change it to a bomb emoticon, and then if I don't write for a set amount of time, it explodes and does something dramatic to my computer.

Anyway.  Just wanted to check in, in case someone is worried that depression or anxiety got the better of me and I dove off the deep end.  My mood is actually great, other than this whole fucking writing bullshit.  I'm still on my lamp because the sun has yet to make an appearance, and I'm still obviously on my zoloft, and I'm working out five days a week, which I think really helps, and we're going to Belgium next Monday, which is BOUND to help, and my mama will be here next month, so basically, life is good.

I just can't fucking write.

PS While I was trolling the internet looking for pics to post on this blog since I can't write and I can't take pictures, I found some Sons of Anarchy ones.  And let me tell you, be prepared because THAT blog post? Is going to be EPIC.  Best fucking show I've ever seen.  And yes, including Lost. BOOM.