Thursday, February 13, 2014

One Little Word Thursdays (The Crazies are Back)

Well. Obviously, I am not exactly thriving.

In fact, I am barely surviving.

It's actually pissing me off, more than anything else.

I am doing EVERYTHING right. I wake up obscenely early, five days a week, and exercise for an hour. AN HOUR. Gotta get those endorphins. I take my zoloft religiously, every night with dinner. I swallow the recommended amount of not just any ole Vitamin D supplement, but the mack daddy D3, the king of vitamin D, the 'feel good' vitamin. I've drastically cut gluten and carbs and grains and processed foods, I eat more spinach than anyone I've ever met, I eat salads like they're girl scout cookies. I go to bed early. I get dressed, wear makeup, put in some effort sometimes. I use my SAD lamp for hours, plural, every single day.

And I still want to crawl into a hole and cry and cry and scream and pull my hair out.

This. Is. Not. Fair.

Remember on Friends, after Ross marries Emily and Rachel tells him she loves him, then starts laughing and talking about how she feels like she floated out of her body and watcher herself say that and it was so ridiculous? That's how I feel. I feel like I left my body and I'm floating around the living room, watching the Other Jennifer lie (lay?) on the couch, staring into space and crying intermittently, and I can't help but think get over yourself, you useless lame-o!! GET UP!! Get a move on!! Put a smile on your face!!!

It's not as bad as it's been before, and that's so great. And it's even more great that I have the...wherewithal? Is that a word? It's even more great that I have the ability to notice and appreciate that this isn't THAT BAD, this time.

I'm keeping up with some things. I'm not interested in tv (yes, me, I know, it's shocking) but I've been reading a lot. I'm still sewing a little, but I'm waiting for some supplies, so of course I feel like OH POOR ME, THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER, WHY WON'T MY SHIT JUST GET HERE ALREADY!!! I'm still doing laundry, and putting it away. Keeping the house somewhat tidy. I don't want to cook, but luckily Nick is taking over for now. I don't really want to have anything to do with the kids, but I've still be trying to read to them, and not snap at them, get off the couch a few times when they're around.

There's some sun out today. I've rushed around this morning, moving all my plants into the dining room. It's a conservatory, meaning it's all glass (apparently that's big here, these 'conservatories' built onto the backs of the houses?) and if the sun is out, no matter where in the sky, no matter what time of day, the sun hits the dining room table. Maybe I should shove all those plants out of the way and lay (lie?) on that table myself.

We're leaving for Rome Sunday, and while the forecast isn't amazing, it's certainly better than here. Cloudy, instead of raining, and a bit warmer. And the sun rises almost an hour earlier there, and sets an hour later. So that's awesome. AWESOME.

I don't even know what the point of this post is.

It's obviously not a real One Little Word post. The prompts for February are all about setting goals for the year, things like 'look the kids in the eye' and 'spend less time on the phone' and things like that. Things that a thriving person would do. But I can't very well come up with goals like that right now when my actual goals are 'don't lay (lie?) on the couch for more than two hours today' and 'don't forget to brush your hair before you go out in public.'

I guess I just like to write it out. Right? It not only makes me feel validated, but it also makes me realize that things aren't as bad as they seem.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just a narcissist and like to hear the sound of my own voice.


  1. Sorry to hear your thriving is on hiatus. It happens to us all. And I mean that. Hope Rome will help turn it around some for you. BTW thanks for Prague! We loved it!

    1. I'm positive going on another vacation will help out. Especially since we finally realized that staying for two long is actually more stressful- we're only staying five days this time. I can't wait!!

  2. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I have to imagine that it's even harder dealing with these darker periods when you have kids around that need you - I have the time and ability to wallow now, but won't when I have a little thing staring at me you know, wanting things. I know it's tough with the kiddies, but could you see a therapist? I think there are services online that let you Skype with them. Therapy has helped me a LOT if only to give me a safe, quiet space to just vent and bitch for an hour.

  3. You may need to switch off of Zoloft. I had to switch to Lexapro AND Wellbutrin b/c of the same things you are describing and it helped a lot!

  4. hey, I am just catching up on blogs. I am a bit crazy and low these days, myself, so I hear you! I just keep thinking that one day I will get to the other side of this as I have other "low" times. Anyway, just empathizing. I keep telling myself to go through the motions of life--the waking up and showering and cooking and taking my children to the places they need to be and that the emotions will catch up one day? Anyway, I will pray for you as I pray for me.