Well. I guess I just took it for granted that two plus years after first asking for help, I wouldn't still be updating on my crazies. Or at least, I figured if I was updating, it would be like weaned off the pills, life is perfect, tra la la...
But alas, it appears that's not the case. Go figure, right?
I don't even really have anything revolutionary to say. I'm so grateful, so fucking grateful, that I've never wanted to hurt myself. I can't even imagine. It was just the same old same old, odd thoughts creeping in, the unsettled feeling in my chest, the shortness of breath at the thought of meeting all the new teachers, ugh. It was easy to chalk it up to changes in schedules and routines and an extremely busy (for this homebody) summer, but as soon as the kids were all in school and I was convinced they'd died and the school couldn't get ahold of me, I realized that we were right back where we started.
So now instead of weaning off, I'm upping to a double dose, and if that doesn't help, I'll try a different drug. Ugh. Will this last forever? Will I need medicine for the rest of my life?
I'm thinking yes.
Anyway. I'm not that upset, just a little surprised. I was doing so well!! My life is so awesome right now, it's more than a little disquieting to feel so anxious when things are so perfect. Which just leads to more anxiety. Which is even more unsettling. Ugh.
It's also time to get back into exercising. The days are already massively shorter (groan) so I need that endorphin jump start to get going in the mornings. I need to drag out my lamp and drink more water and stop eating entire loaves of banana bread. You know, all those lame things you're supposed to do to take care of yourself. LAME LAME LAME.
But feeling better won't be lame. Right? Reassure me that it's worth it, because I worked out today and my legs are SOOOOOOOOO SORE.
It hasn't even been a week, so I know I can't actually feel any different, but I do feel better. Knowing I'm doing something always makes me feel better, you know?
Anyway. That's what's going on lately. I just want to have these updates on the off chance that someone out there needs help and maybe doesn't know, or doesn't know why or how or what to do. You're not alone, not by a long shot. You don't HAVE to feel this way. Talk to someone, anyone, anyone at all, and get some help.