Monday, March 23, 2015

Dear Diary (Or "Random Bullshit Swarming Around in My Head")

-I feel like it's not a good sign of mental health when I'm doing well mentally and that disconcerts me.  It feels weird that everything is awesome.  And that can't be right!! I've barely had to use my sad lamp all winter.  I'm not very anxious at all.  I still feel depressed sometimes, but nothing like usual.  Is it because I upped my meds and that helped? Is it because I'm just coping better?

Who gets anxious because she's NOT anxious?!?! Ugh.

-I make my bed, every single day.  The entire rest of my life can be (and usually is) a complete shitstorm, but somehow, pulling the quilt up over the pillows? Sets my mind at ease.  I can't tell if this is a sign of profound higher thinking, or a total delusion of the fibers of reality.

It started when one of the kids was born.  No idea which one, there's too many. But I don't think it was Ava because I feel like I haven't been doing it that long.  I wanted a good backdrop to take pics, and the bed is as good a place as any.  So I started pulling the quilt up over the pillows.

Still don't have the photo I was aiming for though.  So that sucks.

-I hate to be touched. This should come as a surprise to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.  I spend the weeks leading up to any sort of party or social event talking myself into not shuddering when someone inevitiably hugs me goodbye.  Why? Why do we have to hug goodbye? You're not my children.  You're not leaving forever.  When Samantha left forever, I hugged her goodbye.  When my children climb all over me, I hug them. When I feel blue or happy or just because, I hug Nick.  When my mama comes to visit, I hug her.  That's it, those four instances are the only times it's okay to hug me!! Go away, random casual acquaintance at a party!!

That being said, I love having my hair washed when I get it cut.  Isn't that weird? As long as the girl isn't talking to me (and she usually doesn't, I sort of have a vibe...) I could sit there for ten minutes, eyes closed, sighing contentedly as she just...washes my hair.  Shiver.  I just love it.

-And that's basically it for the random thoughts in my head.  Now I'm gonna bundle up to go sit in the sunshine.  Because the sun is out and it's still fucking cold.  Why does that happen?!?!

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