Because I wouldn't call myself an inheriently 'joyful' or 'joyous' person, when Mama Kat's prompts came thru yesterday, I never would have imagined I'd pick 'what is the joy in your present moment?' But it nagged at me all day yesterday, and all morning so far, so I figured I might as well just go for it.
Life is good. And that's almost...uncomfortable...for me. I'm a pessimist, a Negative Nancy, dare I say even a Debbie Downer? My default seems to be to assume the worst.
But again, life right now? It's good. And that makes me feel EXTREMELY guilty! So stupid, but I can't help it. There's women out there who desperately want a baby but for whatever reason aren't pregnant. I hate my kids, and I got pregnant four times without a hitch, carried to term, and had four gorgeous completely healthy kids. There's girls out there who married monsters, who's lives are falling apart in the worst ways imaginable, and me and my buddy Nick snuggle up together every day to recite lines of Friends together. My best flesh and blood friend, who was born here and has family here and loves it here has to leave after just eighteen months so her husband can go do what I can only imagine is the WORST job in the entire Navy next, and I get to stay for an extra two years, and so far, my husband never has to go out to sea again.
It doesn't make any sense to me. Why am I so blessed? Why are other people, better people, so unlucky?
I guess to be the typical sappy stay at home mom blogger, I should state the obvious: that I should cherish my good fortune, pay it forward, be grateful every day for my life. And I am, I really am grateful, pinky promise. But as lame as it sounds, and as much as I'd screen shot this if someone else said it so I could text Angela and Holly and we could laugh at her, I really should stop and smell the roses more often.
I have four healthy kids. Who all go to school (for free!) leaving me alone to do as I please for hours every single weekday. I have hot coffee to drink, and hot water to shower with, and cold Cherry Coke Zero in the fridge for lunch. I have a room full of fabric that other people paid for that I get to tear apart and sew back together, to use my hands to create, and damn does that feel good. I have a stack of (free!!) library books to take me to other worlds.
Okay, I probably won't magically turn into one of those soft spoken, joyous women. But I can try, at least a little bit.
Linking up for Mama Kat's Writers's Workshop again. Ya'll, these are super fun, you should totally try one.